I put him down.... Murdered my dog ..... What gives me the right?

I'm so sorry Sparky wags. I can't believe I murdered you bud. I'm so sorry Sparky. maybe it's the way I did it that's eating at me. I got Gavin on the school bus Monday and went to taking care of Sparky and his little puppy army he so strategically Maneuvered into my life.  Mr. Sparky wags and I understood each other anyone who's seen us together would tell you our relationship was extraordinary.  He went to work with me religiously  for 18 years before I stopped taking him.  Instead I leave him home in the air conditioning . Sparky never did anything at work just watch mostly. He knew when it was lunch and when he started hearing the nail gun air chucks release from the hose he knew it was time to go home. We use to go to restaurants for lunch. I wouldn't make Sparky sit in the truck. I would put a bowl of water under a bush or some other shady spot and tell Sparky to stay there. I had to sit so i could either see him or check on him because people would see him with no chain or collar on and they would try to rescue him. I would tell the people "he's with me". He just waits for you? they would ask. I'm getting him lunch too. I might order the pot roast on pot roast Wednesday at Stakes eatery and I would eat the vegetables and take the pot roast to Sparky who was patiently waiting for me. Sparky moved in a little pit bull girlfriend and even at his age seemed interested in making puppies. You know that's about the same time he stopped going to work maybe i didn't stop taking him but rather he chose to stay home. Either way i would scurry home to see my Sparky wags. "what did you do all day bud"? i would ask  Sparky  What you didn't do anything all day Sparky? Good boy. Weve been through so much together He was here for Gavin being born in 2011 but my daughter Zoe was born in2001 and when I got sparky he was a year old Zoe must have been around 18 months as she was in a diaper and not real steady on her feet she stood scratching Sparky telling him he was gonna wag himself right in two until he wagged them both right to the floor. his relationship with Zoe was special although Zoe at one point said Sparky only knows 3 things 1)outside 2)hot dog 3) I love you I told her he knows way more than that those are his 3 favorite things to hear. Sparky had his own girl is the way I seen it. We were uncertain of his exact birthdate so we celebrated his birthday June 16 same as Zoe's per Zoe Bliss I know what a miracle looks like. 

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 He's been my good best friend for twenty years,  this morning after I got my son Gavin  onto the  school bus a.k.a "the big yellow monster". Sparky and I ate a box of coconut donut holes. As you can imagine his twenty year old teeth are in rough shape, He only slightly opens his old mouth so I bite the donut holes in two eating half and popping the other half into Spark's mouth as he lay with his head propped up on a pillow watching Andy Griffith. After a few donuts I slide a bowl of milk under his chin to wash it down. He drinks from the bowl as his head still rest on the pillow and he falls  asleep he's sleeping hard, twitching like he's chasing a rabbit. He's been to weak to lift his head up for days. Even as I stand in a mirror and shave I catch him watching me in the mirror with his head still propped up on his pillow.

I've been giving him milk to keep his stool loose, it's when he has to go potty  that he begins to hurt. It kills me because there's absolutely nothing I can do. I can give him a hot dog and he'll stop crying and eat it but with that tumor on his butt hole and the inability to walk going potty hurts. Eight years ago the vet said removing it would likely make him loose bowel control not inoperable the vet said it was not likely to kill him if I left it alone. We've been active Spark's been still trying to jump off the top step when last winters snow melted off. I still have three of his puppies they are two years old and he would still get after them six months ago. He was slow which makes the boys running from their dad in fear was funny to see.  I've been carrying him in and out of the house for four months now. He still don't want to go to the bathroom in the house so he looks at me barely raises his head off the pillow to bark and I open the door tell the puppies to stay then carry sparky outside to pee. I know I have to put him to sleep but how can I when he still looks at me. watches me just as if we were at work. He has bed sores these puppies his boys they fight over whos going to clean his eyeball boogers and lick his teeth they all take care of their dad. what are they going to think of me when I load him up in the car and don't bring him back? My mind was made up on Friday when I came home from work and found him face down in his water bowl. As I scooped his face from the dish I felt a stiffness I thought was rigamortus He's dead. Then I realized the water was warm and he took a deep breath. Where the hell have you been? I see it in his eyes. I called the vet early this morning and set it up for him to be euthanized. We shared these donut holes look at him sleep. What do I do ruin his nap to be euthanized? It's only 10 a.m. I went to the kitchen and started cooking some stakes. I just seared them on both sides just the way Sparky likes them and was cutting them into small bites and maybe he smelled it  but he's looking at me again. After the stakes cooled I sat on the floor next to Sparky I talked with him and fed him an entire ribeye. I went and got another one and I knelt next to him on the floor. I don't know what kneeling means to the puppies but when I take a knee without even saying anything they will come to me. As I knelt over Sparky with a plate of ribeye the puppies gathered in a circle and one by one I gave everyone including Sparky a piece of meat. I took a couple bites myself as I was broken up in tears sharing Spark's last meal . He loves to eat and he's still eating well and he's well loved in this circle but  I can't let him die in a bowl of water or without me being there with him. I tried to put the puppies in the back rooms in the house so they wouldn't see me load Sparky into the car. My house doesn't have enough back rooms and as I backed out the driveway Tank was in the window watching me like Sparky. He was quiet on the ride over to the vets almost like he was enjoying the ride... I feel awful I murdered my good best friend euthanized I held his paw telling him I love him and I was sorry for doing this to him. We're staring in each others eyes as Sparky wags took his last breath. Sparky wags I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life! I Love You Man.

Pro Life